April 5, 2022
Caroline Kalai, Psy.D.
The pursuit of this seemingly complex human emotion is nothing more than a drive within us. From a spiritual and psychological perspective, humans are driven toward unadulterated individual wholeness while maintaining a collective sense of intimacy and belonging. It is an idyllic way of being that begins its initial formation with the individual’s connection to mom, then the self, and later to a life partner, larger community, and beyond. The psychological triumph of a healthy love within oneself could contribute to the creation and development of authentic interconnectedness, mutual acceptance and, in my opinion, universal happiness. It could heal the collective unconscious pain we share—that separateness we feel from others, which lies in the shadow of existence. In order to fulfill this drive, we have a responsibility to uncover our emotional limitations and then heal ourselves—whatever it takes to fall healthily in love. For our own good, and the good of the universe that chose us.
So how do you know when you’re genuinely feeling love? And how does it happen? Where does it begin? And what does it feel like with a partner? What does falling in love even mean anymore in a society robbed of depth and romance. No more Vandross, Withers, Armstrong or Fitzgerald singing from their hearts, but Cardi B and Megan Thee begging you to idolize their parts. When rampant narcissism is excused and validated with shamelessness on social media, through the puppeteering of hurt souls, boasting and deceiving you with filtered images, fake cookies, vacation videos and dream lives paid for by sponsors, thereby continuously feeding on you when you’re out of your depth. When marriage is made a mockery through idealization, industry, and individual gain. In a society that dishonors and minimizes men for opening doors while de-feminizing women who like to open their own. When prenups are commonplace because trust is either absent or lost before real commitments ever begin. And more people choose to be alone rather than work toward meaningful connections that require hard work, self-healing, and humility. Given what we’re up against, how in the world are we to know what love means at all?
Love must begin with the self.
I wonder, how many of us know how to love ourselves deeply and sincerely? And if we don’t know whether or not we do, then how could we know whether we love another? How many of us have done enough self-exploration to also understand who our partner really is? How many of us encourage our partners to love themselves by simply holding a mirror for them to reveal their innermost beauty, rather than manipulating them into being our version or society’s version of acceptable and ideal in an absurd and unconscious attempt to avoid ourselves?
I think that you can only truly know you love someone else when you recognize them noticing you and seeing you clearly. Like a sense of relief that your uniqueness is seen and welcomed. And that they will support you in loving yourself and your true expression. You know that love is forming when you’re self-assured enough to let your guard down and see that you’re admired for it. When all the thoughts in your mind that you once shut out from the world come flowing off your lips and you aren’t judged, but loved for it. The person to receive it is one who wants you to be yourself more and more, showing you it’s safe and comfortable to completely relinquish control. You are just being the person you always were in your mind, but this time someone else is listening, loving it, reflecting it, and asking for more. And in this spirit, you are shown, encouraged, and committed to continue falling deeper in love with yourself and with another. Because with them, you can discover, rediscover, remember, or reveal yourself without fear of rejection, abandonment, or judgment, and ultimately become stronger within your own power. You affirm your worth and validity just the way you are. You’re given permission to be entirely you, the way it was intended. And the recognition of your force becomes healing. You come to light. You become stronger and softer all at once. Confident and humble.
Love, therefore, is wanting to surrender all fear in being you, because it is done in the safety of a self-realized other. It brings complete peace and tranquility within oneself and a deep appreciation for the person who brought you there or joined you in its bliss. Not a fascination in someone else outside of yourself, or their external displays, but an appreciation to a someone else who sticks by you when you’re just you.
As the psychoanalysts of past and present have taught us, loving yourself begins with a secure attachment to a confident, self-realized mother—or, healing the part of you who was not raised by one and creating that security within you, regardless. The self-realized mother has an incredible power within her to shape the degree of love you are able to reach within you and toward others. The privilege of the self-realized mother is to get to know you first, and to know you more than anyone else in the world. To study you objectively, yet with affection and response. To know your personality and all the ways in which you are unique. And to prepare for this important role, she was assigned an empowering mission of knowing herself first. Only when she does, might she see you for who you are, not an idealized version of you or what is expected by society. Afterall, she would never choose internal isolation, conformity, or a life of social comparison for herself once she experiences the rewards of the alternative. Therefore, she wouldn’t impose those emotionally-detached outcomes for you. She values who you inherently just are. She accepts you and who you’re intended to become because your happiness in your own individual freedom calms her soul with relief and satisfaction that you are finding your own way. She’s intuitive, available, a strong pillar, who is affectionate and open-hearted. Her job is to show you how to love yourself healthily through her curiosity in you, her attention, and nurturing your natural self-expression. She is never controlling and over-protective, nor absent and reckless in permissiveness. She holds up the boundaries where you run safely in your endless and often confusing pursuit of the self. She knows how to encourage your passions, and doesn’t project her dreams onto you. A self-realized mother provides safety as you come into your own. And she simultaneously models pure and unconditional love. She teaches you how to do the same for others, which teaches you the meaning of love. Why, then, should we expect any less of our romantic partners?
Healthy love is felt when you’re with someone who supports you in your journey of self-discovery, and knows no other version of who you should become.
This form of love does not just fall in your lap, however. Experiencing love this deep within yourself and another person requires taking a risk in being vulnerable. Really vulnerable. Learning your weaknesses and having the courage to unveil them to yourself, and to someone asking to be let in. To find true love, you must learn to be your most exposed, natural, and authentic self, while recognizing those who are interested in that version of you. To find healthy love, you must be the same outside as on the inside. No walls, no covering up insecurities. Own them. Heal them. If you just let your soul lay bare, you’re bound to attract someone who loves you for it, who understands you, who sees your inner awesomeness, and who sees themselves in you. That someone is not your other half, but a full reflection of the self that you already discovered is worthy. A soulmate. And together, your twin flames will dance in true, respectful, unwavering, devoted love that will continue to sprout forward for generations to come.
Questions about what you’ve read? I would love to connect with you. Send an email to drcarolinekalai@gmail.com and let’s chat!